Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
You Might Also Like
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I created you as mosquito food.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…