DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
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“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.