Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
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My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Ferrari squats
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.