[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
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me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty