[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
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[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.