{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
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My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!