“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
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If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog