Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
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Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Sniffing the broccoli
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.