Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
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“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
79.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.