Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
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During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
RT if you could go either way.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
was Jim off killing horses or…
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.