darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
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The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
What’s a Messi?
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first