Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
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Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping