DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
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Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack