DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
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Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
who called it hell and not heaven’t
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
wtf is an acronym
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
PARKOUR
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit