Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
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I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
According to math, I’m broke
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero