Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
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How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
had to share :’)
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I’m not proud
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you