Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
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[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.