Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
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What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I put the hot in psychotic.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
This is the coolest video you will see today.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.