Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
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Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.