Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
You Might Also Like
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”