Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
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M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.