Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
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An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
The 6 types of sex
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.