DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
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Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Best spoiler warning ever
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged