DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
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*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
These work great until they don’t.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool