date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
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My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
thank god the sign was there
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Lassie, get help!
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Look at this
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.