date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
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Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I never know how much to tip a cow.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
From my Mom
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””