date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
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*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.