Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
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my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”