Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
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[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
How to draw a duck
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking