date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
You Might Also Like
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations