Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
You Might Also Like
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.