@girlnarly

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

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@adrianmyreality

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

@ilovepie84

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

@MarcACaputo

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

@GoldenSpirals

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

@pittdave13

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

@abbycohenwl

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”

@Where__wolf

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

@LlamaInaTux

HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

@GrantTanaka

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

@TheBoydP

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.