date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
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When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I’m crying im so happy for them
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.