DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
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When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger