date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
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Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?