Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
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Perfect.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.