Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
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Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.