Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
R.I.P.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what