[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
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A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
6. me as a lawyer
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Friends that check up on you >
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
O Wise One….