Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
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Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this