[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
You Might Also Like
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea