[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
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Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
kevin is now a local weatherman
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up