[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
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[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
It be like that sometimes 😆
these two trucks have the same bed length
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.