Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
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I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.