Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born

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[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.


2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.



GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!

ME: Yahtzee!

GUY: That’s not a drinking game.

ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?

[everyone looks at each other]

ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?


[First date]

HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants



-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…


My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.


If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.


If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.


[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*