Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
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Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else