date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
You Might Also Like
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
それは草
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt