Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
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Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
3% human
97% stress
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok