Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
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HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
That’s incredible! 👌
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog