Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
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“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week