date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
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Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.