date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
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Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Butt weight. There’s more!
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.